The very formulaic plot of the typical romance novel appeals to many women. The plots are always the same and the characters are always the same. For example, the Twilight series is a romance novel series. The Highlander Series is a romance novel series. True Blood is a romance novel series. They say that Jane Austen was the first true romance writer and really distinguished this genre from others.
Many women love the typical romance novel formula. While some women prefer moody vampires with perfect hair, others prefer stoic cowboys, and still others prefer a broad-shouldered, hunky man in a kilt galloping on a horse across the Scottish highlands.
Anyhow, the leading men are all the same no matter if they are an emo vampire, a Marlboro man, or a Duncan Macleod. Here is a little comic-relief that makes fun of the emo-vampire trope if you care to watch it:. Notice that these men in romance novels always start out as bad boys, or as outsiders, or as the handsome and mysterious stranger with come-hither eyes. And these men are generally a real pain in the butt to the heroine in the story.
But, his desire is fickle and powerful and it is never easy for the heroine. Underneath it all, he is always a bit more powerful than her and even the most feisty heroines cave into these male heroes who are strong.
Let us extrapolate this psychology onto affairs, specifically the case where the wife is the wayward spouse. If a wife is having an affair, it is because she has been swept off her feet into some kind of fantasy world that she is projecting onto the other man.
We all know logically that the other man often does not have anything on the husband. In the case of the female wayward spouse, the other man has often triggered in her this very primal thing that many women desire. And this primal thing is based on the woman desiring someone who is more powerful, who is unpredictable, and whom she cannot control. True masculinity is confidence, inner-strength, the ability to be in control of all situations, and the ability to protect what is his.
But it is his inner-strength that carries him and this is the energy he exudes. This is the type of man portrayed in romance novels. It is also NOT the fault of the husband. Being a great dad, a great provider, and keeping a family together is about predictability.
So, when a woman cheats on her husband, the last thing a husband should do is continue to play the role of the predictable breadwinner. I am not easy on either gender when they cheat and when a woman cheats the last thing a husband should do is lie down and take such treatment from his wife. Is this politically correct advice? Heck no. But, it is how it is. Sometimes she is a shrinking violet, but these days she is more often than not a feisty woman.
None of the characters written in the typical romance series are doormats. Readers do not want doormat characters who bend and cower at the first sign of trouble. If plots were like that, the whole romance book market would end in an instant.
Once again, these novels are written because they appeal to the basic psychology of many people. One of the reasons wayward spouses have affairs in real life is because there is some kind of intrigue behind it all.
This is NOT or ever an excuse for affairs. But, if some of the appeal of the other person is wondering what might happen next, a betrayed spouse cannot be a doormat.
Therefore, playing the nice guy or the ever-suffering wife will not bring a wayward spouse back home. We teach people how to treat us. If a betrayed spouse does not find his or her inner bad-ass and stand up, the marriage may as well be lost. Most people believe they can only be in the power position if they compete against the other person and show how good of a spouse they are to the wayward spouse.
This simply prolongs an affair because the wayward spouse feels very powerful since both the other person and the betrayed spouse are competing for his or her affections. It also makes the wayward spouse lose ALL respect for the betrayed spouse.
It teaches the wayward spouse they can have their cake and eat it too and it gives them a heady ego boost. A wayward spouse feels all-powerful and almost God-like when two people are fighting over him or her. The betrayed spouse must remove himself or herself from the equation and stop allowing themselves to be in second place. This is why I talked about codependence in the beginning of the post. It is important to be reminded of what codependence looks like and also be reminded that it tends to be a default position for a betrayed spouse.
But, if you are to win back your spouse and save your marriage , you cannot take the stance of being understanding, being kind, or anything else because this is a typical codependent response.
But most of all, it will get you nowhere and make you feel abused and used. Whenever a spouse has an affair, restoring a marriage relies heavily on how the betrayed spouse reacts to the situation.
Even though it seems intuitive, if a betrayed spouse wants his or her marriage, he or she must find her inner assertive person. Most of all, life is full of times of suffering and this in unavoidable. At some point or another we have to choose whether or not we are going to continue to suffer for the actions of another. That is entirely up to us and only we can make that choice. As always, never forget that you are not alone in this journey. There are many others on the same journey and many on this website who are passionate about helping you through your journey.
Photo: Jason Clapps. I got so much out of that book as I really had a very limited understanding of the subject of codependency. As a betrayed spouse we have to become assertive and set boundaries. The only problem is that we are often so devastated after d-day we are in no shape to do so. I know I was in shock and utterly broken at first. Yes it takes a few weeks and getting over the shock before one finds their assertiveness or inner bad ass.
But once you find it recovery comes so much faster. Once you actually see the forest and not just the trees you become empowered. I believe most of the actions by BS are driven by fear. Fear fuels codependency. It takes real courage to face those fears and move forward regardless. It talks about co-dependency and passive-aggressive behavior and so much stuff I cannot even process it all. It was A LOT to take in at one sitting. This article had many long winded topics rolled into one.
Instead we try to tip toe around them, as not to upset them. Then we bow to their every whim in order to win them back. YOU make the counselling appointment. YOU be sweet to me. YOU worry MY feelings. YOU cater to MY whims. You nailed it!! I would have said that myself if I were among fellow females in-person discussing this topic.
So, thank you. In my case I put my foot down about 3 weeks after DDay1. Her or me. He chose me. But put littke into our M. Then a month or so later the A resumed unbeknownst to me. By DDay2 a few months later I told him to leave. I had enough. So I ignored things he said out of anger and kept my wits about me. My parents marriage is a good example — no affair but my dad was a control freak with a short fuse.
Maybe Linda or Sarah can offer advice. I want to add my own two cents on co dependency. Our society still really expects married women to be subservient to their husbands. I read a Dear Abby column a few months back where a wife wrote that her husband made a point to ogle and flirt with young women right in front of her.
It upset her and she asked him to stop it but he refused. Not ONE person said: the husband is being disrespectful. We need to change the narrative. The husband needs to be responsible for his own actions NOT his wife. All I know is when someone abuses their spouse the spouse is a lot of the time judged as co dependent or even complicit in the abuse. Rightly or wrongly. What I do know is those examples are about the double standards to which society holds men an women. If a man cheats well the wif is judged as having done something anything to proverbially drive the husband into the arms of another woman.
If the wife cheats she is judged as morally unscrupulous. The man is pitied and called a pathetic cuckhold. I see it all the time. People say that crap as a way of puffing their own chests to brag that infidelity or cheating could never happen to them. People are weird like that. Definitely females are held to much stricter standards than males. You bring up some good points. We need to change the narrative and put the problem back where it belongs, which just squarely on the man in the case you described above.
If the man is ogling in front of his wife and if he knows this bothers her and if he refuses to stop, that is being extremely disrespectful to his wife. He is disrespecting his wife. By the way, all of those reader comments that you mentioned are basically identical to many common reactions from others when a man has an affair. Well, one day it comes out that Joe Clean has been having a physical affair with Olga the Organist. In this case it would be:.
Clean needs to work on her appearance because otherwise Mr. Clean probably nagged her husband to death and so he wanted to leave her for Olga the Organist. Clean is insecure and not confident like Olga the Organist.
And a million different other things that make the betrayed spouse the problem— not the adulterer. And yes that narrative has to change!! The wayward spouse, whether male or female, MUST be responsible for his or her choices. My H was not hiding it well that he was in contact with OW. So was I being co-dependent by staying married and trying to have patience with him during that time? Eventually I stopped being nice and patient but according to this article when I could not get him to respect boundaries and end A and work in us — this article seems to imply I was weak and not standing up to him.
Nothing could be further than the truth SS I called him on his lying etc. You are not a codependent and I do not believe any regular commenters are codependent.
I try to be pretty direct so if I thought you were a codependent, or if any one else was, I would have mentioned it. This type of person would always engage in unhealthy behaviors regardless of whether or not their life was going well or not. Everyone at some point in time, especially under stress or in periods of depression, can engage in behaviors from that list.
But, these behaviors stop after a crisis is over and a person goes back to being themselves. You are right this article is long and convoluted, so I am going to give some specific examples. All of these are real examples that I have either read about or heard from people I know.
I never repeat anything someone tells me in confidence whether they are a friend or someone I am mentoring. So here is what codependency looks like in the real world:. During those 30 years, Bruce has lied to Victoria when he does the taxes. Even though Bruce is a known liar and someone who scams the system, Victoria believes Bruce when he says he is paying taxes on time and doing it according to the laws.
Victoria always chews Bruce out when she finds out he has done something not honest and believes he will changes when he promises to change. It never happens. After the divorce is finalized, the IRS contacts Victoria at her new address. It seemed Bruce had filed fraudulent taxes using her social security number and forged signature for five years. Because she cannot prove this, she has to pay the IRS a significant amount of money.
Victoria refuses to do this and digs her heels in when her kids offer to help serve as witnesses. Even though she is barely making ends meet, she goes on a payment plan with the IRS and refuses to confront Bruce about his actions.
When her children ask her why, she tells them it is being unchristian to confront him. That is what codependence looks like. Instead of Victoria asking for her basic rights as a human being, she is willing to pay a bill that she did not create.
Deep down she does not believe she deserves better and she reasons that perhaps Bruce behaved the way he did because of something she did. Victoria is actually a very moral person in her own behavior.
Victoria stuffs the problem down but the stress comes out and she over-eats to soothe herself. When her children ask to help, she freezes them out. Someone who is not codependent would get a consultation with a tax attorney immediately and retain that person. Then she would go through the IRS records and document everything that she sees.
She would find a way to prove that her signature was fraudulent and not hers. She would sue her ex-husband for criminal activity. Now, to be fair, someone who is NOT codependent would not trust a spouse who is a known liar to do their taxes.
She would watch her spouse like a hawk and make plans to leave the marriage, knowing that this person is NOT spouse material. That is unless someone is a glutton for punishment. Katrine knew Christof had a roving eye when they were dating and that made her jealous. She also listened to Christof talk endlessly about an ex-girlfriend he never forgot.
Katrine felt that if she married Christof and they had a baby, that he would love her and forget about his ex. And so they got married, had a baby, and Katrine became depressed because Christof kept talking about his ex.
Since Katrine did not know English, she assumed that Christof had struck up an online affair. Katrine blew up at Christof and asked why he had contacted his ex in the first place and if the ex-lover was telling the truth or if there was an affair. He confirmed there was not affair— that it was one-sided on his part— and that he would not try to contact his ex. Then Katrine suggested they have another baby. And they did.
And the same process happened all over again. Christof contacted his ex, his ex told him she was NOT interested and was happily married, and Katrine found out again. If you've ever joined a group or been to see a counselor, you may have heard others talking about codependency. However, codependency as a term may be unfamiliar to many individuals recovering from betrayal. It can be extremely confusing to those who have not encountered it before, and at a time when you need support, this term can cause you further confusion, shame, and humiliation.
Yet codependency is not something to feel such shame about. It is important to understand what codependency is and what it is not. AA had recognized a pattern within families of alcoholics, which involved a pathological dependence upon one another. Before we describe our view of codependency, another important point to understand is that codependency is a controversial topic; there is much disagreement over it. Some authors would even say that the concept behind the term has faulty reasoning.
Codependency has evolved into a label thrown at anyone who may put others before themselves. This definition would suggest that the first step to confronting our own codependency would be to become more aware of our own thoughts and feelings, and perhaps taking more time to discover ourselves which many of us were taught was selfish.
Once we have done so, we stand a far greater chance of becoming compassionate and lovingly responsive to our own needs, and in turn, others as well. You may wonder what all this talk of codependency has to do with you. We think one may tend to act more codependent at times with certain people than they might at other times with different people. Even if you believe that you have not struggled with codependency in the past, experiencing betrayal in your marriage will tend to make you vulnerable to becoming more codependent toward your spouse, or even a future relationship if your spouse has left.
Marital betrayal usually evokes fear within the hurting spouse. In turn, fear usually encourages people to control, and control seduces them into codependent behavior. After an affair is discovered, it is not unusual for codependency to overtake a hurting spouse and convince them to manage their spouse's recovery.
As tempting as this is, ultimately it is not helpful. We do not want you to beat yourself up over one more thing you haven't done right or need to improve.
Codependents find narcissistic dance partners deeply appealing. They are perpetually attracted to their charm, boldness, confidence and domineering personality. The codependent reflexively gives up their power; since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. There are four types of people who narcissists tend to be attracted to, according to Arluck: People who are impressive in some way, either in their career, hobbies and talents, their friendship circles, or family.
Someone who will make the narcissist feel good about themselves, through compliments or gestures. She cannot see your point of view. In general, narcissistic mothers will be unwilling to understand or even acknowledge your point of view.
She may ignore, belittle or undermine you, often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her way. There are four ways a narcissist expresses anger: Aggressive This can be instantaneously in the form of verbal lashings, throwing objects, threats of harm, yelling, being argumentative, unyielding in opinions, repetitive speech, twisting the truth, and intimidation.
0コメント