Instead of reacting defensively, learn why your children do things a different way. It pays to ask first if parents want your suggestion. If so, offer praise and positive feedback along with what you want changed.
If parents don't want your advice, don't give it. Remember, your adult children have the right to make, and learn from, their own mistakes. Tanner says. Try not to give mixed messages. For instance, if the parent's rule is that your grandchildren can watch television only after they do their homework, respect the parent's wishes, even though you may feel them unfair.
Grandchildren need to know what is acceptable at their parents' house and what is acceptable only with grandparents. Your grandchildren should be able to voice how they feel, too. If not, they may try pitting parent against grandparent in an attempt to get their own way. Also, be consistent. Children get confused if you berate them for being fresh one day, then laugh about it the next.
Don't wait until something becomes an issue. Get ready ahead of time. Becoming a new grandparent is an event as revolutionary as the invention of the wheel, if you listen to my grandparent friends. Besides giving them a new little being to love and spoil, the birth of a grandchild changes the family hierarchy.
We adapt to life under a benevolent triumvirate — our grandchild and the parents of our grandchild. Everything goes smoothly, as long as we know the rules — these eight rules, which every new grandparent should heed. And even when baby and company are safely ensconced in the family home, grandparents still have to be invited. It is okay, however, to propose a visit. And it might help if you promise to bring a pot roast.
The number one thing that parents want from grandparents is a little assistance. Many parents have told me that they would have never made it through the first month or six months, or elementary school without help from their parents.
That being said, all parental help is not created equal. I heard from a Houston mom whose mother-in-law came to help, ignored the clothes that needed folding and ended up reorganizing the kitchen cabinets. Some kids live far away from their grandparents so they stay in touch by phone, through email, and with letters. Other kids live close to their grandparents, making it easy to visit often. And still other kids — more than 5 million in the United States — live with their grandparents.
Sometimes, the family is sharing the grandparents' house and sometimes the grandparent moves into the family's house or apartment. Maybe your grandmother moved in with your family because she was having trouble living alone. Or maybe your grandparents take care of you in place of your mom or dad.
Being a grandparent is a big job, but grandparents have a lot of experience. They raised and cared for your parent when he or she was a kid! And grandparents have been the heads of households since the beginning of time. In many cultures — Native American and Chinese, for instance — grandparents are looked up to as a source of wisdom.
Any change can be difficult to adjust to. So even if you love your grandfather, it may be tough when he moves in. Your grandfather will need a room to sleep in and everyone will have to learn to share the bathroom and the TV. Try to be as nice as you can during this time.
Your grandparent may have trouble settling into a house that isn't his or her own.
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